Flirting the Egyptian way...

When I was walking in the lady first yesterday, I saw a piece of religion of girl, and she was egg and sweet.

I said, "O' earth, keep what on you. A hundred evenings on your eyes O' beautiful."

She said: "Poison."

To which I replied: "Poison from your hand is poisonpoison O' moon."

She shouted at me: "Yes, yes, your mother soul. Do you remember me one of them? Collect yourself, or I'll collect the street on you, O' Ashraf."

The girl entered my brain.

I said to her: "You are right on me. It shows on you, you are a daughter of the people. I want you on the book of God and his prophet. I write my book on you tonight."

She laughed at me and said, "On your slow, Ashraf, on your slow. Write the book in one piece? Won't you talk on me first?

Drunk with love, I shouted: "I die in the cream, O' thousand white mornings. I'm going to talk on you right now."

The evil fava bean

So there you were, thinking that all they did was make you create tornado-strength winds and harness the forces of nature in your gut only to then blast it all out of your rectum for the rest of the week.

Or perhaps one plate in the morning would ensure that you spent your time walking down the street with your eyelids lowered halfway, zombified, and bumping into people without explanation, save for the word/question: "H-e-H?"

Turns out the 6th century Greek philosopher Pythagoras believed they contained the souls of the dead. And represented "the gates of hell." One day, in what is now modern day Italy, he found himself pursued by bandits. He came to the edge of a fava bean field. Rather than set foot in it, he surrendered to them and was promptly killed.

I really relate to this, as my farts smell of dead people after a plate of the stuff.

Emergency on the Suez Canal

An imaginary conversation via radio between Suez Canal authorities and a sinking British ship:-
-----------------------------------------

British Ship: Hello Mayday!

Suez Canal: 'Allo?

BS: Mayday Mayday!

SC: 'Allo?

BS: Yes, yes, hello, Mayday! Mayday!

SC: Aywa meen?

BS: We are sinking! We are sinking! .... (voice fades away)

SC: What are you sinking about?

Enduring memory of Cairo

For some, it is the mystical Pyramids of Giza, or frolicking amongst the fish in the clear blue crystal waters of Sharm.

But this is mine... Descending into the bowels of the Metro in Ramsis in the middle of July in 48 C heat and having a dense wall of intense underarm stink hitting you upside the head.

Then, trying to get a ticket from the ticket window by reluctantly mounting a group of sweaty men surrounding it.

Once on the platform, negotiating thousands upon thousands of people all standing in small puddles of their own body water.

Trying to get on a fucking train. Failing several times.

Then, as the doors close in my face, tired looking people staring back at me open-mouthed, squashed up against each other with no space to breathe.

And, finally, one villager with intense eyes vomiting all over the door window from inside the train as it pulls away.

My music

Look at the desperation. Plugging my own music... to myself.

http://www.myspace.com/shekaphonia

How to speak so very much about so very little

(It is an artform only the most skilled American can display)

...and I was, like, "wo", and he was, like "wo", and I was, like, "wo"... and for a moment there we were both, like, "wo"... and I thought something really spooky was going at the time, and he was totally, like, "I know" and I was, like, "oh my Gaaad"... ad infinitum

Everyone's arguing but all in agreement

Is it just me or when Egyptians get together to have a good ol' natter they all seem to be violently shouting at each other, close to blows, and yet strangely all be in agreement.

Occasionally, I feel it's my duty to step in to prevent a full-scale maul and say, "guys, its OK - don't be mad - life is too short", but - and I'm completely unaware of it - they almost always seem to be enjoying themselves. I've tried this down the pub, and although I usually win all the arguments hands down, the Brits just don't geddit...

Chill out son

This is hilarious. I imagine a frenzy like this could only be induced by large amounts of speed. Relax, take a deep breath. It's ok to vomit if you need to.

http://www.glumbert.com/media/rave.html

Plop!

Here is my first Plop...
"oooo aaahhhh"... can someone please pass the bog roll. Oh, no need... clean as a whistle!