Just who the hell do you think you are anyway?

*Takes a deep breath*... I am a dynamic figure, often seen scaling large buildings in boxer shorts and ski goggles. Occasionally, I tread water for days in a row. I woo women with my sensuous trombone playing and I cook 30-minute chicken kievs in fifteen. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I can hurl tennis rackets at small moving objects with deadly accuracy. I know the exact location of every food item in the supermarket. I don't perspire. I sleep once a week; when I do sleep, I sleep standing in a cupboard. I am an expert in dominos, a veteran in love and an outlaw in Peru. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic and my bills are all paid. I breed prizewinning chimps. I have won bullfights in Barcelona, cliff-diving competitions in Sri Lanka, and jenga at the Kremlin. Children trust me. Years ago, I discovered the meaning of life but I forgot to write it down. Doh!